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[05 Feb 2009|05:55pm] |
fuck work.
GRRRRRR.
and while we're at it.
fuck what fireworks stand for
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[23 Jan 2009|05:08pm] |
fuck you world, things are looking up and on my terms.. not yours for once.
awesome girl.
band coming together well.
demo in feb.
and all sorts of good times to be had and have been had.
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[23 Dec 2008|02:54pm] |
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the last couple days have ben pretty awesome i must say.
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[17 Dec 2008|05:39am] |
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23 years of daily mental breakdowns has taken it's toll, i've got one foot in the grave.
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[07 Dec 2008|02:07am] |
HOLY FUCK
COLISEUM AND HOUR OF THE WOLF
MARCH 20TH
I THINK I JUST SHIT MY PANTS
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| The Blizzard Of '08 |
[03 Dec 2008|03:29am] |
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i don't want this,
i don't want this,
i don't want this.
and i don't need this.
this isnt where i wanted to be..
i served the world to you on a fucking plate.
you picked it up, you gave me a stare
and threw it in my face.
well, why can't you just get out of here?
this is the end, i'm done, it's over, goodbye.
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| day 7 |
[27 Nov 2008|02:26am] |
more wated tonight thananyof the other days.
fuck,
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[25 Nov 2008|12:46pm] |
seriously.. it's going to non stop annoying from me on this thing.
but i've come to the realization that sleeping alone sucks.
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[23 Nov 2008|04:51pm] |
i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
fuck this.
fuck everything.
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[21 Nov 2008|06:12pm] |
how things go from great to me self medicating in a one day span is beyond me.
seems to be my luck in the world i guess.
:/
"and i am dying to not give up on this"
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[20 Nov 2008|10:31pm] |
i'm not gonna lie. other than the usual money problems i always have.. i'm pretty damn happy lately.
and i'm pretty sure this girl has something to do with it.
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[05 Nov 2008|11:56pm] |
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i'm so fucking happy about mny things lately.
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[22 Oct 2008|05:50pm] |
wow.
today has not been a good day whatsoever.
fuck people.
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[06 Aug 2008|05:15pm] |
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the optimist has left the building
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| slip it in |
[21 Jul 2008|08:11pm] |
haha seriously. it happened.
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[04 Jul 2008|09:11pm] |
i need to take naps more often. i just had this fucking insane dream involving being at a family party and my uncle having some crazy futuristic enclosed clear plastic roof that doubled as a screen. when it closed you didn't know it was there and he projected movies on it.. so later in the night when everybody forgot that it was closed he played some crazy movie that was just the sky turning into a vicious storm and everyone started freaking out and running to take cover and just when it was looking it's worst it broke up and dispelled and everybody applauded and we all realized we were tricked and that it was just a movie. also through the duration of this dream i hung out with a girl i've never actually met in person but the dream was so vivid that it felt like i'd been hanging out with her my whole life.
fucking insane
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[02 Jul 2008|09:35pm] |
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music |
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Converge - Antithesis |
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wow.. something is really missing in my life if movies are choking me up right now.
i feel like i haven't really been living lately. moreso just drifting. i don't do anything of substance. i go to work. sit at home. sleep. repeat. it's really starting to wear on me. and you know there were sometimes where i wished for this, that i just had some time to myself. i never really thought i was going to get this much though and it is beyond what i bargained for. if anything i'm more disappointed with myself. and i know this is all on me and i only have myself to blame, but thats what i'm doing. this isn't so much complaining as it is realization. i mean shit, i'm 23 years old. i know i know "i've still got all the time in the world". but really it makes me wonder what the fuck i've been doing lately, or rather what i haven't been doing. what have i been keeping from myself.
i haven't accomplished anything worth being proud of. and i think it's really beginning to wear on me. i haven't written anything in years, i hardly even leave my house anymore. though most of the time i have no idea where i would go in the first place. i feel like i've lost a lot of time. and that i've squandered many a good opportunity. in reality writing is one of the few things i have left, and shit i haven't touched my book in about 3 years. it's something i'd at least like to finish, though i realize that the publishing world is a grave and slightly unrealistic. it's liking trying to get someone to read your script in hollywood. well maybe not exactly that tough but you get the idea.
i think the worst part is that i've lost my inspiration and motivation. and shit, i've actually been holding out for a time when i'm this miserable since that's how the first part came out. it was roughly the same feeling. a crossroads of sorts with no signs and nowhere to go. just two barren dirt roads crossing paths searching for a destination, one where even they don't know where they'll end up. my muse, i can't even decide if it was just being completely miserable or being completely miserable while trying to fight for something. and fight is one thing that is completely lost to me. about the only thing i can fight for is my own sanity, something i seem to be driving myself away from by locking myself in this fucking house day in and day out.
i think now that i'm farther down this little entry, that the opening sentence was an understatement. i think i'm missing an entire world, rather than just something.
what i really want to know is where did all my ideas go? i need to reclaim what little imagination i have left and start something life changing.
shit, or at least get out more. these four walls are closing in on me and i can feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. and it's pretty hard to run with all that weight, let me tell you.
p.s. if you just read all that, i apologize. but thats the first thing i've been able to write in a long long time.
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auspiciousskies's journal
